Tears And Prayers

I was recently featured in an Instagram series titled Artists of LA. In it, I mentioned that I blog about four times a year. I could do more, but do I really feel comfortable sharing my everyday life with the world? I’ll leave that to the TikTokkers and other content creators making racks of cash being up close and personal with their followers.

I like to flow with the seasons it seems when it comes to blogging. Just another cycle in the life of Loupy. I’m seasonal in other aspects of my life too: changing my living room layout, plotting my life path, putting away seasonal clothes…well, tbh, I’m a sweats and t-shirt guy year round, but I have SEASONAL tees and sweats. 

Summer sweats

Winter Sweats

This year has been different. This is my second and last blog post of the year. Where have I been? What have I been doing? I’ve been here the whole time, crying and praying. I’m in a cancer box. I’ve been feeling like this version of me that is diminishing and limited, quite a reversal from the me that feels unlimited because of life’s infinite possibilities. I feel beaten, limp in a box, a shadow of my former self, a fading memory of Loupy D past.

Since my last post, I’ve gotten used to the sweats – not the pants, in this case. I’m talking about the night sweats, and the spontaneous flashes of heat that visit me in the day, even in an air conditioned car. The inconvenience of chronic fatigue discourages me from doing the things I love most: hiking, biking, riding on the Metro with my kid; the loss of vigor and libido is mentally challenging. Imagine wanting to be excited about something but can’t. It’s a phenomenon that no man can fathom unless he were to experience it himself.

Yet with all this inconvenience, there were some memorable highlights this year:

Taking my kid to Big Bear to experience snow for the first time…

…and flying to Seattle and riding the train back!

Having my NFT photography displayed at a gallery in Carmel-by-the-Sea…

…and a photograph at a Getty Museum sponsored exhibition in Los Angeles!

Even though I feel isolated, sad, and alone a lot, there is a thick layer of love energy around this box of tears and prayers, like the energy I reserve for my two sons. Also, the love of the people who put forth the energy to reach out to say hi, bring food, and give me an opportunity to release and talk about my struggles, my woes, and my breakthroughs.

In the end, I am evolving into a more conscious being. I am aware of a presence within myself that I knew a long time ago. This part of my journey is an adjustment period. I expected to live a long life, surgery and disease-free, untouched by the family health history that took my father and grandfather from this world. Expectation is the root of all heartache, so rather than succumb to the sadness, I see myself pushing the reset button. I’m adjusting the dials and fine tuning the frequency. I was a positive, happy-go-lucky guy before my diagnosis, and then things got complicated. Even though I willingly accepted my fate, I was still rocked and shocked from the realization that I had a condition that could make life a lot worse further down the line if left untreated. I witnessed where that route goes through my neighbor. After I told him about my diagnosis, he told me that five years ago he was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer, and that the doctors gave him five years to live. He was at year eight when he moved to live with loved ones who could help him take better care of himself.

This disease has pigeonholed me into a box that surprisingly has been nurturing me, as I slowly emerge from the wake of Covid-19 quarantine and cancer treatments. I’m so glad to again visit this respite place of a blog I’ve created to shed light on what I’m feeling, for myself and my readers. I apologize for being absent in 2023. As you can see, it hasn’t been as bad as it could be. 2024 will have its share of tears and prayers, no doubt. I believe that I’ve turned the corner on the worst of this disease. The year will have new trials to overcome and new triumphs to achieve. I love my life…

I’d love to know what your year was like and what you see in the year ahead. Leave your comments and share this page. There could be another Loupy D out there who could use some encouragement!

Artists of LA, feat. Loupy D.

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By Loupy D

Lawrence Evan Dotson was born in Los Angeles, California. He decided early in life that he wanted to tell stories. He was a character who could entertain his two older sisters by staging his own version of a church radio broadcast that they would listen to on Sunday nights. His desire to perform followed him through grade school, and in his senior year of high school, a UCLA professor scouted and urged Lawrence to major in theater. Lawrence felt convicted to follow in the footsteps of his father, so instead of declaring Theater Arts as a freshman, he went in undeclared to sit out for a spot in the highly competitive Engineering Department. It only took one calculus class to convince Lawrence that Theater Arts was his calling and that he was going to achieve his goal of being recognized for his talents. While attending UCLA, he combined his interests in art and music and was one of the founders of the UCLA Jazz and Reggae Festival. He was on the Student Committee for the Arts, which put on the Jazz at the Wadsworth Series in conjunction with KKGO FM. Lawrence became more aware of social justice issues affecting the African American community on campus and became active in organizations that promoted positive change. He collaborated with students from other majors and formed the African Theater Collective, which promoted and produced plays from the African Diaspora. That action inspired a performance protest demanding the hiring of more black professors in the Theater Department, and tenure for longtime Professor, Dr. Beverly J. Robinson. The performance was based upon the subject matter that Dr. Robinson taught: the procession of the Black Theater experience in America as depicted through the development of the African slave from the plantations, to the pulpit, to the stage. Blessed with a wealth of knowledge and a rich experience from the University, Lawrence graduated and landed a job as an actor with University Express, an outreach program managed by a former student of Dr. Robinson. The troupe performed plays at Middle and High Schools that stressed the importance of continuing education. The job allowed him enough time to go on auditions, but after a year Lawrence burnt out on the acting treadmill. He met an editor for an underground Hip Hop magazine called No Sellout in 1991. Lawrence had his first article published in the second issue, an interview with L.A. DJ Michael Mixxin Moor. Lawrence began writing under “Loupy D”, coined from a childhood nickname. He wrote articles, reviews and commentary, and conducted interviews with some of Hip Hop’s top entertainers like The Notorious BIG, Wu Tang Clan, Erykah Badu and many others until 2003. In 2015, he earned an MFA in Creative Writing, after submitting a draft of a memoir based on his experiences growing up in post-Civil Rights Era Los Angeles. He's published an academic article, “Persona in Progression: A Look At Creative Nonfiction Literature In Civil Rights and Rap,” in Assay: A Journal of Nonfiction Studies. He also served a brief stint as the music editor for the online writing journal Drunk Monkeys. In between writing stints, Lawrence has and continues to be an avid amateur photographer and independent film professional. He will be releasing books and videos of his work over time, just as soon as he figures out how to balance work life with the life of single parenting two sons.

5 comments

  1. Love ya, brother! And I know the journey. I remember how sick I was all 2018, when my kidneys were failing and I needed a transplant that they said would probably be 5 years down the road and dialysis in the meantime …. 2018 was a long year of fatigue, no energy or drive or even purpose, no job, just long afternoon naps on the couch, isolation and depression and resignation and sometimes (if I allowed myself, which wasn’t often) maybe a little hope …. and then something amazing happened, an amazing gift, and I came out the other side. You will too. I know it. I may want another guided tour of LA someday, and if not you, who? Take care — DC

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  2. Hi Loupy!

    You are such a gifted writer who conveys emotion and hope and reality all at the same time! I am blessed to call you friend and to be a witness to your spirit in this earthly realm! Thank you for being YOU!! I am sure that this year will bring you joy and healing and plenty of new opportunities to spread the love you so easily spread!! God bless you Loupster!!! Your Sista Friend Jamie

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  3. I’m so proud of you, Loupy. You’re a fighter and I admire you for that. You will beat cancer. I truly believe in you. I hope 2024 is more of what you desire in life. I’ll be watching and rooting for you. Happy New Year ❤️

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  4. Hey Lawrence!
    I guess my greeting let’s everyone know that I met you later in life! You bring so much strength to our neighborhood as we try to forge a community here. I treasure our Saturday mornings together with Lawrence and Dominic–4 dads getting together for a weekly spiritual retreat!
    It seems like the pain and suffering you are going through are only making you stronger! As it says in the Seven Valleys:
    “And if, by the help of the Creator, he findeth on this journey a trace of the traceless Friend,… he shall straightway step into the Valley of Love and be consumed in the fire of love….The steed of this valley is pain, and if there be no pain this journey will never end. In this plane the lover hath no thought save the Beloved, and seeketh no refuge save the Friend. At every moment he offereth a hundred lives in the path of the Loved One, at every step he throweth a thousand heads at His feet…”

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  5. Pingback: From Struggles to Strength: My Post-Cancer Reflections – Loupy D

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