Perfection Is Overrated

Five months ago today, I celebrated my birthday with my youngest son in Big Bear, where he saw snowfall for the first time. I knew the next day I would begin thirty-two days of radiation treatments to kill cancer cells left behind after my surgery last year. Fatigue and weakness, side effects of radiation therapy, kicked in shortly after it was all done. It was hard to get out of bed, stand up from sitting, stoop, bend… all the stuff a body’s gotta do! On top of that were hormone therapy side effects: hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings, weight gain. Ladies, can I get a witness!? Sleeping three hours a night became my new normal, as was thanking God for the creation of naps.

I could be wrong, but I think everyone is in need of some sort of connection, a sense of unity. Even those lurking in the shadows want to be part of something bigger. I find myself being one of those lurkers sometimes, just trolling profiles and not contributing to the social media fray. Yet I want to feel a sense of belonging too. I want to fit in a nice niche somewhere, where all my dreams are supported and celebrated whether they are realized or not, like my first NFT drop. It didn’t go as well as planned, but the momentum carried over and I was successful the second time around. For me, having a dream beats looking at others’ dreams, and bringing it to life is the grand prize.

Rest. We all need it, but now I realize how conscience I have to be to get it. My body is weak, but my mind believes it is getting stronger. I feel like this past LA winter. The relentless downpours from those storm clouds eroded our landscapes yet filled our dried up reservoirs, and the enviable, summer like temperatures in December that we had been enjoying for years had become a thing of the past. I suffered daily through that sunless season, wishing that this so-called healing process would bring me back to feeling like my old self again.

Not to be held down, I was able to take a planned weeklong trip with my son over spring break to Seattle. If you know my son’s adoration of travel, you know that the flight up and the train trip back down the Pacific Coast was the highlight of all his travels to date, even Big Bear. I think the trip actually enhanced my radiation recovery. Watching him be in delight was like catching a sunray cracking through the clouds. This was my silver lining leading into these golden days of summer.

I’m changing. I’m letting go. I’m allowing math to take the lead in my actions by adding value and subtracting distractions, the things I don’t need that bleed me dry of my inner peace. I release all that holds me back from exceeding the capabilities of my physical body, which is powered by a radiant light known as the soul. I know I am great; my light is just a little obstructed.

These past two seasons have ebbed and flowed as life does, as it always has. The situations and circumstances are different, but the pattern remains the same: there have been some good days and some bad. I’ve been doing a whole lot of praying and meditating to maintain a positive mental attitude. Having an uncluttered mind to create is of utmost importance to any artist in any genre. I’m facing my battle by using my creative juices to bring my understanding to what it’s like to live with cancer, not die from it.

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By Loupy D

Lawrence Evan Dotson was born in Los Angeles, California. He decided early in life that he wanted to tell stories. He was a character who could entertain his two older sisters by staging his own version of a church radio broadcast that they would listen to on Sunday nights. His desire to perform followed him through grade school, and in his senior year of high school, a UCLA professor scouted and urged Lawrence to major in theater. Lawrence felt convicted to follow in the footsteps of his father, so instead of declaring Theater Arts as a freshman, he went in undeclared to sit out for a spot in the highly competitive Engineering Department. It only took one calculus class to convince Lawrence that Theater Arts was his calling and that he was going to achieve his goal of being recognized for his talents. While attending UCLA, he combined his interests in art and music and was one of the founders of the UCLA Jazz and Reggae Festival. He was on the Student Committee for the Arts, which put on the Jazz at the Wadsworth Series in conjunction with KKGO FM. Lawrence became more aware of social justice issues affecting the African American community on campus and became active in organizations that promoted positive change. He collaborated with students from other majors and formed the African Theater Collective, which promoted and produced plays from the African Diaspora. That action inspired a performance protest demanding the hiring of more black professors in the Theater Department, and tenure for longtime Professor, Dr. Beverly J. Robinson. The performance was based upon the subject matter that Dr. Robinson taught: the procession of the Black Theater experience in America as depicted through the development of the African slave from the plantations, to the pulpit, to the stage. Blessed with a wealth of knowledge and a rich experience from the University, Lawrence graduated and landed a job as an actor with University Express, an outreach program managed by a former student of Dr. Robinson. The troupe performed plays at Middle and High Schools that stressed the importance of continuing education. The job allowed him enough time to go on auditions, but after a year Lawrence burnt out on the acting treadmill. He met an editor for an underground Hip Hop magazine called No Sellout in 1991. Lawrence had his first article published in the second issue, an interview with L.A. DJ Michael Mixxin Moor. Lawrence began writing under “Loupy D”, coined from a childhood nickname. He wrote articles, reviews and commentary, and conducted interviews with some of Hip Hop’s top entertainers like The Notorious BIG, Wu Tang Clan, Erykah Badu and many others until 2003. In 2015, he earned an MFA in Creative Writing, after submitting a draft of a memoir based on his experiences growing up in post-Civil Rights Era Los Angeles. He's published an academic article, “Persona in Progression: A Look At Creative Nonfiction Literature In Civil Rights and Rap,” in Assay: A Journal of Nonfiction Studies. He also served a brief stint as the music editor for the online writing journal Drunk Monkeys. In between writing stints, Lawrence has and continues to be an avid amateur photographer and independent film professional. He will be releasing books and videos of his work over time, just as soon as he figures out how to balance work life with the life of single parenting two sons.

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